I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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