I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't deserve a penis
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
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Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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