the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
