I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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