I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
