but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
