woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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