my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
