At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
