I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
