Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
