My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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