I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
