There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
