then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
