My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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