I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
