So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
