I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
