I cockslap morals
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
