If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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