worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
