That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
