I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
