Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
