I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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