I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
