I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
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I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
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What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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