Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
