Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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