And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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