My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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