My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
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you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
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Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
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