i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
