I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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