I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
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I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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