I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
