friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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