Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Someone shit on the floor
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
