guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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