this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
