i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
