also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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