This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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