you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
