Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
