How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
