I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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