no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
