quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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