the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
