i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
