turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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