Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
