you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
