I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
