someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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