cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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