hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
