nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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