if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
